6 line upate

I am in the usual state of exhaustion this late at night. Can't ever seem to get this written early. But I known that some of you are waiting for an update.

Yes I saw the medical oncologist this afternoon. 
No I wasn't expecting to be told what I was.
Yes there is the possibility ( in fact quite a big one) that I have to have chemo
No the final decision hasn't been made
Yes there is some more information that I may be able to access to help make that decision
No I am not going to go into more details

For the next few days I will be processing the information in order to make the decision that is best for me.

All this will be in the background as I have a big joyful weekend. It is S's 21st. And that is  the priority.

Ducatilad arrives tomorrow, S arrives on Saturday morning and by Saturday night we will all be dressed in 90's icon outfits celebrating in style. I am still trying to find a breastless icon.

So that is all there is for now.   Ok a few more than 6 lines.

Apologies if this has left people hanging - guess you will have to check back. One way to keep those page views going up. (think the fact that boob is in the title ensures some increased traffic)

So until then I am as always


P xx

One month on

Hard to believe that 4 weeks ago I was aware that I had no breasts but couldn't bring myself to look at it, was relying on painkillers to get me through, had 2 drains, 2 IV cannulas, oxygen prongs up my nose, disposable undies up my bum and not sure how I was even going to make it to the loo.  

And here I am now almost pain free, able to look at myself in the mirror and kind of feel OK with it, driving, starting back at work, looking like nothing has happened but still with the occasional undie up my bum.

Feeling quite exhausted tonight. A combination of not sleeping all that well last night -  the lovely menopausal hot flushes have decided to visit again, a late night writing  text for N's HSC Visual Art major work and no Nana nap. 

Finding getting my head back into work  a little more difficult than I expected. Feels like I am in work la la land. ( have no idea where that came from ).  I'm pretty much an all or nothing sort of person, so this dabbling with my work is a bit of a challenge. Sort of back but not. And I get tired. Guess it will take a little while to navigate my way back. 

But as predicted the delete  button did get a good workout yesterday as I tackled my in box.

 Amazing how life just goes on whether you answer your emails  or not.

Tomorrow is the appointment with the medical oncologist to look at options regarding further treatment.  The big question will be whether poisoning my whole body is going to make a significant difference to preventing some rogue cancer cell going feral somewhere else in my body. I think that's an accurate reinterpretation of the  medical stuff I have read in preparation.  

It will be good to get a decision made. Whatever that may be.

I promised Ducatilad that I would have an earlier night so am afraid this is all I have to offer one month on from the day that so much, yet so little,* changed because

I am as always

P xx
* not sure about the use of those commas

Easing back in

Well this morning I got up and prepared myself to go into work for the first time.

A little hesitantly I chose a regular work outfit as opposed to long sleeved T's, cardigans and jeans, not sure how it would sit on my new shape. 
Whilst I didn't fill out the top of my dress like I used to I am pleased to say, after a bit of makeup and some lippy I think I looked pretty good and certainly not like someone who has recently had a double mastectomy. 

Those who know me will attest to the fact that I have never been a wearer of outfits that show a lot of cleavage ( mainly because my 688g of breasts didn't give me one) or big boob flasher ( except that time when I was in my early 20's which we wont talk about) and  so I think that most of my clothes are going to be OK  and the difference not that noticeable.

It felt a little strange walking in through the entrance. I know that all of my team and my Division know where I have been, but I am not certain who else knows. I have no issue with people knowing but as often happens you have to deal with their uncomfortableness. 

I didn't actually do any work while I was there, except get my laptop set up so that I can start to work from home. I did talk to quite a few people, let's call that consulting to make it look legit. I also attended a thank you morning tea for staff and volunteers who are part of the organisations new marketing campaign. 

 In another serendipitous connection I actually appear in the commercial. At the time of filming I think I knew that I had the lump, but certainly didn't think it was of real concern. Funny how my first day back at work  had me sitting watching myself being part of publicly promoting the work that we do. 
Now I have to confess here that despite the almost hour and a half of filming that they did, I actually only appear for about 3 seconds - but what what a fantastic  3 seconds they are.

In one of those  "I  feel like sharing my story" moments I did chat to the producer and tell him that it all had a much closer connection for me now, given that in the time since filming I had been diagnosed and operated on. Yes he was shocked and also amazed at how well I look.

What I am starting to notice is that once people know that  I have had a double mastectomy, they do do this funny sort of furtive glance down towards my chest.  Kind of the reverse of having people perve at your tits ( not that I had had a lot of that happening in the past 10 or so years) 
In an ambush moment I may just be tempted to flash. Don't say you weren't warned!

By about 12 o'cock I was ready to go home. I am still surprised at how tired I get when I am out. I am not liking it, but I am trying to listen to my body. 
I felt very cared for by everyone and not at all guilty about the fact that I am taking it slowly.
Got home and crashed it on the couch for 2 hours. 

Tomorrow I will log on to my laptop and begin the process of catching up with what's in my in box -no doubt the delete button will get a good workout.

Have now tried to write a closing sentence about 10 times. Just not happening so I am giving up.

But I still am as always

P xx

Visitors

Sunday afternoon and I have just finished watching Forrest Gump. Why that movie?

Well my sisters-in-law from Perth have been visiting me and we were talking about favourite movies. Forrest Gump made the list. I haven't watched it for ages so just decided it was a good way to spend an afternoon resting up from a big few days.

OK I forgot that Jenny dies at the end (but not from cancer) - so another little cry was had.

I have been quiet (well no postings but not really quiet) for the past few days as I have spent time with the said sisters - Aunty Anne as she is affectionately known and Becca.

Funny how life has a way of presenting you with what you need when you need it. We had been talking about having a girls weekend in Sydney for  a while and finally got schedules lined up and on the 2nd July they booked to come to me on the  16th August.

4 days later I was diagnosed. So the planned trip couldn't have come at a better time. 

Something to look forward to, I would be on the road to recovery and I would get spoilt and have some family around.

They arrived on Thursday night bringing much needed family connections and spoil me they did.

We had a fantastic few days - I did of course do a bit too much but am getting much better at being  honest enough to say I have had enough and slip home for a little lie down.

We ate far too much and drank about the same amount.

As I was sipping on my (not going to admit to the number) glass of mulled wine I had a rather liberating thought. You know that link between red wine and breast cancer?  Doesn't really apply to me anymore. No breasts, no breast cancer.  So I can now fill that glass of red guilt free. Gotta be some benefits to having no boobs.

It was a good distraction having them here and certainly lifted my mood from last week. But it is a  funny thing this cancer stuff - it consumes my thoughts nearly every waking moment. But I am not sure if that would be the case if I was  recovering from  major surgery for any disease and my surgical wounds reminded me all the time of what I had had done.

I guess the difference is that while my wounds will heal, I will never look the same.

I wonder how long it will take for me to look in the mirror and just see me?

But I am starting to get used to it. It surprises me a little that I am  not more self-conscious when I go out - but I know that most people would have no idea that rather than looking a little flat chested I am in fact  completely without anything there. Except for this weird bit of rib on my right side that sticks out and makes me look a bit like a prepubescent girl with those little buds we all got before we got real boobs - remember that happening?

The pain is getting better and Dr Dave was right about the sandpaper feeling being caused by the skin being very dry - moisturising helps a lot. I can also lift both my hands above my head and almost sleep on my side. Big achievements.

Tomorrow I begin the process of re-entering the real world - work.

 As I have mentioned before I work for a large cancer organisation so I am very fortunate that I have a  supportive work environment so it will be a gradual return to work. Tomorrow I am having my laptop set up so that I can work from home for the first week.  

It is amazing. I haven't even checked my emails (work that is) since I have been off and it is a very good lesson.
We are not indispensable, and the world will continue if some projects need to get pushed back a little, or someone does things a little different to the way you may do it or if we have to give up control over things or even that emails don't get answered immediately. I have been able to let it go and that has certainly helped me focus on just recovering. 
I am very grateful to my manager and the rest of my team.

So here it is again late on a Sunday night and I am still trying to get this finished. 
Have skped with my mum in Perth  and daughter S in Brisbane, been to the supermarket, cooked dinner, talked to Ducatilad and helped N write some rhyming lines for his HSC Visual Arts work. Been busy.

Hard to believe that this time last week I was waiting to see Dr Dave to get the pathology results. This week I have an appt with the medical oncologist because of those results.

Who knows what I will get at that appt  but as Forrest Gump says "life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get" (but I am really hoping that chemo isn't one of the flavours in my box).

Sleep has been calling for the past 30 minutes - time to listen.

So I am as always


P xx

Fall out

Well as predicted there has been some emotional fall out from my appointment with Dr Dave on Monday.

There has been a lot of processing both of the information he gave me and my reactions to it. 

And probably no surprise to anyone (except perhaps me) it culminated in a very big cry last night and  the admission that I don’t like the fact that I have no breasts, that I feel disfigured (there I have said it) and that I have had breast cancer.

I was very tired, sore and frustrated that doing normal things required a much bigger effort.

I had driven for the first time, been to have a facial which was heaven but required an explanation about my sensitive upper chest and shopped and cooked dinner.

Feeling OK within the confines of home is one thing – re-joining the outside world another.

Added to that, on Monday Dr Dave took off all the steri-strips to expose the surgical wounds. They looked raw and fresh and I found it more confronting than I expected.

Yes he has achieved a good cosmetic result but you know what – the cosmetic look I had before was just fine thank you.

So all of that just tipped me over and it is a been a strange conflict of emotions since.

Remember I wrote that it all seemed like a bit of an overreaction to one small lump in my breast?

Well as we all now know the pathology results showed that in fact I didn’t just have one small lump, but that the cancer cells were much more widespread in my breast.

So on the one hand I now feel justified in making the decision to have a double mastectomy because in fact I had “real” breast cancer (The reason for the inverted commas is because I was actually asked once by someone if I my first breast cancer was “real” and no I didn’t slap her) but on the other hand I am struggling coming to terms with the knowledge that it wasn’t just a little lump.

Not sure that that makes any sense. I think much of it is connected to my experience the first time I was diagnosed and the fact that I “only” had a lumpectomy and radiotherapy.  (That needs a whole post to itself)

On a lighter note, and there is an  intended pun here, Dr Dave gave me a copy of the pathology report to take home. 

Apart from the fact that the report contained detailed information about the cancer, the size and the grade, what was most disturbing was the rather pathetic weight of my boobs.

Between them they weighed 663gm; the right was 388g and the left 275g

The packs of chicken breasts I buy for schnitzel weigh more than that.

Guess I won’t be noticing that weight difference when I next step onto the scales.

As promised I also asked him about the difference in the charge for the right and left breast. Seems it has nothing to do with a home shopping discount offer but rather the more mundane way that Medicare apportions costs for multiple procedures in the same operation. Boring.

So yes it has been a rough few days since I saw him. Relieved that the decision was a good call yet still trying to come to terms with what had been  growing in my breast and the fact that I may need more treatment.

As Van Morrison wrote " Mamma said there would be days like this" and I guess he was right.

P xx

What the Dr said

As predicted I didn't stop at one.

So this will be a very short post. I need to process what has happened today and also write with a much clearer head.

I saw  Dr Dave today. The news was good but not what not I expected. I sense it wasn't what he expected either.

In a nutshell the decision to have a double mastectomy was the right one and as it turns out not just for  reasons of symmetry.

As he told me, given the pathology results of the left breast, he would have recommended that I have the right one done as well. It seems that my breast likes to produce cancer cells.

Shit am I glad that I didn't have to go in for a repeat performance

Basically I had a 1.3 cm invasive ductal carcinoma as well as 80mm of ductal carcinoma insitu. In  lay terms this means there was  lot more cancer cells in the left breast than originally thought.

So the next steps are  an appointment with the Medical Oncologist to discuss what the benefits may or may not be of having chemotherapy, some hormonal therapy and more red wine (OK my prescription not the Dr's).

Yes the news is good, but it wasn't what I expected. Don't think it was what Dr Dave expected either.

Well I have just logged on and realised that the last bit of this post that I wrote last night after a few reds didn't save. Bugger

I do remember that I was pleased with what I had managed to compose, but of course cannot reproduce it now.  

There was something about maybe now having to accept that I do fit into that category of 'women with breast cancer' and writing again when I could be more erudite and my acerbic wit was on game.

So in the meantime the above is what I have to offer as I promised to let you know what happened at the Dr's.

There will be more but until then

I am as always

P xx  (without the expected sore head)

I stopped at one....

glass of red on a Sunday night that is. Have to say the temptation to have a second was there but then who knows where this post would have ended up as a result.

Here I am at the end of another fairly self indulgent weekend.  I am trying not to feel guilty about nurturing myself as I recuperate.

It has been a bit of a mixed weekend with regards to how I am travelling.

Could be that I am seeing Dr Dave tomorrow to get the pathology results back and learn about whether I need any further treatment. As I have written previously, I have tried not to engage with that before I have to as I have absolutely no control over what the results will be.

Whatever the answer is, there will no doubt be some emotional fall out.

I have been a bit teary today. My chest is sore and I found it a bit hard to get dressed - needed to think about what I was putting on. Then, because my chest was sore I thought I would put some moisturiser on it to see if that made it feel any better, so then I had to take the 3 layers off and that hurt and that just reminded me that I have had a big operation and I still have a long way until I am all healed. And that feels unfair.

Added to that it is so cold here. Which doesn't help anything. May chest feels cold - it has lost it's layer of fat to keep it warm and I think that makes it feel worse. OK I have no scientific evidence at all for that statement, but I am sure if I had boobs my upper body wouldn't feel any where near as cold.

After a very social day yesterday, coffee in the morning, red wine and cheese platter in the afternoon, I planned a quiet evening at home with a downloaded iTunes movie.

What did I download? "A Little Bit of Heaven" starring Kate Hudson. Now there may be a some of you who know what this movie is about and are  shaking your heads and asking "Why would you do that to yourself". And for those of you who don't, bet you can have a stab at what the subject matter may have been.

In my defence, the trailer on iTunes didn't work except for a scene in the hospital with a good looking Dr, it was in the romantic comedy section and once I cottoned on to what the story was I was already involved in it.

If you haven't already worked it out, the movie is about a young woman who is diagnosed with advanced cancer and dies. In between she works out what really matters in life, falls in love, makes a lot of jokes and makes peace with lots of things. OK so maybe not the best choice. But you know what - I don't have advanced cancer, I am not going to die (well I am, but not until I am at least 90) and it was a very sweet movie about life, love, family and friends.

And I have all of that in abundance and it made me very grateful.

Oh and I  had a good cry - something that I have maybe needed to do for a while. And after, I called Ducatilad and told him that we had a lot of living to do. He agrees. Love him. Miss him, but know we are connected wherever we are.

I  have a bit of a retraction to make about something  I wrote in my post "The Price of Things". There I stated that while the BCNA resources were excellent, they weren't really for me. Think denial was visiting again. You see, only women with breast cancer need that information and I pretend I don't fit into that category. It all seems a bit of an overreaction to a small lump in my breast.

But today I picked them up and started reading them.

Given my work, I am  familiar with the resources on a professional level and have skimmed through them on numerous occassions but reading them when it actually relates to you is a very different story. They weren't available 15 years ago, so it is like I am reading them for the first time.

 And there was lots of very useful, relevant information.

When I was diagnosed the first time, I did no reading, Google had only just started so there was no internet searches and I wasn't all that interested in the details. I just had my surgery, fronted up 5 days a weeks for 6 weeks to have radiotherapy and trusted that everyone treating me knew what they were doing. And once it was finished, got on with  things.

This time it is a little different, and I kind of need to know about things like hormone receptors, HER2 status, hormone therapy and not only that, I actually need to know what they mean, not just how to say them.

Thanks to the My Journey Kit, I now have a better understanding of these, have a list of informed questions and feel better prepared for my appointment tomorrow.
And who knows I may even stop pretending that I don't fit into the breast cancer category. 
(but I still wont be wearing the bra).

Hopefully by tomorrow afternoon I will have  answers to those informed questions. 
And tommorrow night, whatever those answers may be, I have a feeling I might not stop at one.

Until then I am as always.....

P xx