Saturday, 14 July 2012

The Story So Far

I have been really slack in getting this blog up and running and now I feel overwhelmed cos I have so much to catch up on that I am always going to feel that I am behind on writing where I am up to
And I have this shocking perfectionist streak that wont let me post anything that I think is half arsed, not completely brilliant, witty, intellectually superior and emotionally reflective.

And now it just feels like there is one more thing hanging over my head

So at 4 am this morning I have decided – f*ck it.  If it doesn’t all fit nicely into a chronological order and I haven’t explained each bit of how I got to be sitting in bed awake at now 4:30 then so be it. That’s what links are for and you can read the other ramblings at your leisure.

The story in a nutshell so far.

I have breast cancer, agan, in the same breast

I found the new lump and I have had a;
o   Mammogram
o   Ultrasound
o   Biopsy

I don’t know if it is a new primary or a recurrence (oncologist says it doesn’t make much difference)

I am  celebrating as I only have cancer in my breast (nowhere else in my body) and I know this  because I have had;
o   A bone scan
o   A CT Scan
o   Blood tests

I have to have a mastectomy and I know this because
o   I have seen the oncologist twice already
o   I have had radiotherapy already on this boob (and you can’t have it twice)
o   This is a bad boob and it has to go


I have until this Thursday to decide whether I am having one or both off.

A double mastectomy is not  a medical need but a psychological and a symmetrical one. 
( for me)

I have been lucky enough to have had two friends willing to take off their tops for me  so I can have a look at their breast jobs:
o   One single mastectomy and a prosthesis ( there is no doubt a whole blog waiting to be written about them)
o   One double, no re-construction

It was helpful to have a look, but at the end of the day it’s a  bit like looking through hair magazines for a hairstyle and choosing one. 

You still won't really know what it will look like on you  until the cut is done.

I am pretty certain I don’t want a reconstruction. 

So if I have the double mastectomy I may need to change the name of this blog to

No saggy boobs 

( but then again I may just leave it)                  

I am booked into  have surgery on Wednesday 25th July which means  I will celebrate my 49th birthday( on the 26th July) on drugs.

I have a different oncologist looking after me this time, Dr S. ( i like him)
Dr C is away and wont be back for another week, Dr S was trained by him so I figure he is pretty good at what he does, and I don't want to wait.

I am not all that happy ( ok that is a very big understatement) at having to go through this all again 15 years after the first diagnosis.

It really has messed things up for a lot of people;

My daughter S, who was supposed to be back up in  Brisbane  getting ready to start her second semester of her acting degree
My son N , who is about to start his HSC Trials
My partner SL who now has to travel back and forward from interstate  to be my carer ( as opposed to doing that just for fun)
My family who also live interstate ( on the other side of the country) who are all really worried and feel like they cant do anything
My friends who are all quite shocked and who will have to cook and care for me all over again
My work colleagues who will have to pick up my slack

And of course me. 

So there it is – a very stripped down update on my breast cancer status.

The birds are singing which means it must be close to the sun coming up.

My head feels so much clearer.

So I will post this now, with the promise to get some sleep and to write again soon.

P x

1 comment:

  1. Where to start? I am so sorry to hear that you have cancer AGAIN.
    My mum was diagnosed with cancer of the eosphagus last August and had surgery 9 days later. This period that you are in between diagnosis and surgery/treatment was so hard for mum. She was filled with worry and anxiety, concerned about the kids, worrying that things weren't well organised at home but without the mental energy to start dealing with big things. It was a very long 9 days. You've been through this all before so probably have a better handle on it but I hope that writing this blog helps, it allows you to tap into a support group that is available whenever you need us.