glass of red on a Sunday night that is. Have to say the temptation to have a second was there but then who knows where this post would have ended up as a result.
Here I am at the end of another fairly self indulgent weekend. I am trying not to feel guilty about nurturing myself as I recuperate.
It has been a bit of a mixed weekend with regards to how I am travelling.
Could be that I am seeing Dr Dave tomorrow to get the pathology results back and learn about whether I need any further treatment. As I have written previously, I have tried not to engage with that before I have to as I have absolutely no control over what the results will be.
Whatever the answer is, there will no doubt be some emotional fall out.
I have been a bit teary today. My chest is sore and I found it a bit hard to get dressed - needed to think about what I was putting on. Then, because my chest was sore I thought I would put some moisturiser on it to see if that made it feel any better, so then I had to take the 3 layers off and that hurt and that just reminded me that I have had a big operation and I still have a long way until I am all healed. And that feels unfair.
Added to that it is so cold here. Which doesn't help anything. May chest feels cold - it has lost it's layer of fat to keep it warm and I think that makes it feel worse. OK I have no scientific evidence at all for that statement, but I am sure if I had boobs my upper body wouldn't feel any where near as cold.
After a very social day yesterday, coffee in the morning, red wine and cheese platter in the afternoon, I planned a quiet evening at home with a downloaded iTunes movie.
What did I download? "A Little Bit of Heaven" starring Kate Hudson. Now there may be a some of you who know what this movie is about and are shaking your heads and asking "Why would you do that to yourself". And for those of you who don't, bet you can have a stab at what the subject matter may have been.
In my defence, the trailer on iTunes didn't work except for a scene in the hospital with a good looking Dr, it was in the romantic comedy section and once I cottoned on to what the story was I was already involved in it.
If you haven't already worked it out, the movie is about a young woman who is diagnosed with advanced cancer and dies. In between she works out what really matters in life, falls in love, makes a lot of jokes and makes peace with lots of things. OK so maybe not the best choice. But you know what - I don't have advanced cancer, I am not going to die (well I am, but not until I am at least 90) and it was a very sweet movie about life, love, family and friends.
And I have all of that in abundance and it made me very grateful.
Oh and I had a good cry - something that I have maybe needed to do for a while. And after, I called Ducatilad and told him that we had a lot of living to do. He agrees. Love him. Miss him, but know we are connected wherever we are.
I have a bit of a retraction to make about something I wrote in my post "The Price of Things". There I stated that while the BCNA resources were excellent, they weren't really for me. Think denial was visiting again. You see, only women with breast cancer need that information and I pretend I don't fit into that category. It all seems a bit of an overreaction to a small lump in my breast.
But today I picked them up and started reading them.
Given my work, I am familiar with the resources on a professional level and have skimmed through them on numerous occassions but reading them when it actually relates to you is a very different story. They weren't available 15 years ago, so it is like I am reading them for the first time.
And there was lots of very useful, relevant information.
When I was diagnosed the first time, I did no reading, Google had only just started so there was no internet searches and I wasn't all that interested in the details. I just had my surgery, fronted up 5 days a weeks for 6 weeks to have radiotherapy and trusted that everyone treating me knew what they were doing. And once it was finished, got on with things.
This time it is a little different, and I kind of need to know about things like hormone receptors, HER2 status, hormone therapy and not only that, I actually need to know what they mean, not just how to say them.
Thanks to the My Journey Kit, I now have a better understanding of these, have a list of informed questions and feel better prepared for my appointment tomorrow.
And who knows I may even stop pretending that I don't fit into the breast cancer category.
(but I still wont be wearing the bra).
Hopefully by tomorrow afternoon I will have answers to those informed questions.
And tommorrow night, whatever those answers may be, I have a feeling I might not stop at one.
Until then I am as always.....