Sunday, 5 August 2012

The view in my bathroom mirror

Sitting here on the couch with my gorgeous throw rug on my legs I have to confess that I am quite sore. Not sure why. I have taken it very easy today - well except for folding a small load of washing, unstacking the dishwasher and emptying out the "past their use by date" things in the fridge.

 No seriously I have actually spent most of the day on the couch, reading, watching a movie and checking how many page views I have had on my blog.*

I am hoping that the increased sensation in my chest is the nerve endings starting to repair themselves after they were brutally assaulted during surgery. Or it could be the simple fact that it is still less than 2 weeks since I had a major operation and it it is gonna hurt for a while longer. A good excuse to take more drugs.

This morning I took another step in coming to terms with my new look. 

I actually looked at my top half in the bathroom mirror - not just a quick glimpse but a real look.
And Dr Dave was right. He has managed to achieve symmetry between the two scars. That is they both start and finish in the same spots and they are in line with each other. And shit I have no breasts.

Up until now I have carefully positioned everything in my bathroom to avoid catching site of myself naked as I have taken a shower. (OK maybe that is an image that not everyone needs to have) but it is amazing how many surfaces in a bathroom reflect your image apart from the mirror. 

I have been getting bolder at looking down at my scars, touching them and exploring the new view but that is different than a front on view in the mirror.

Each day I have gotten a little braver, let the towel fall a bit as I have been drying myself and changing the dressings on the drain site wounds.

But today I did a top half full Monty. Of course there was no audience or musical accompaniment. 

Guess you all want to know how it felt?  Not as bad as I thought. 
(Alright that fact that it has taken me 10 days to do it may mean that it has been just a bit of an issue for me)

 But then I am not sure how I am supposed to feel. There is no doubt it looks weird and feels weird, but I haven't felt a great sense of loss - yet. Again I may be in denial and at some stage down the track it is going to hit me and I may struggle big time. And then again it might not.

Or maybe I can marvel at the power of the human mind to normalise things and my own ability to just get on with it.

But what I do know with absolute clarity is that  despite the fact that what I see in the mirror is different I am still me, tits or no tits. 

I can still feel those nerve endings repairing themselves so it is time for some painkillers and the healing powers of sleep.

As always

P xx

* 1574 but who is counting


  1. Oh my god! You have no breasts? When did that happen?!

    S x

  2. You truly are an inspiration. Miss you at work and can't wait to have you back, tits or no tits. Your mind and your attitude are what counts. Your pole buddy, G.

  3. Thinking of you Tinks - glad the op is over !
    Here's to a speedy recovery you beautiful woman

  4. We refer to those pains as "zingers" 'cos they will stop you in your tracks sometimes. Maybe you can give me a better name. The zingers really do go away soon, but never soon enough.

    I do have a friend who chose to have reconstruction. She wears a t-shirt that says "Of course they're fake. MY REAL ONES TRIED TO KILL ME"

    Maybe you can do something with that....?