Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Out of my pyjamas

Hard to get my head around the fact that at about this time last week*  Masterchef  Series  3 was coming to an end and I was attached to a pethidine drip. Not sure which I am missing the most.

Oh and I had also just had a double mastectomy.

I still find it strange to say those words in relation to me. I think I struggle with the seriousness of the term and everyone elses response to it. It is such a radical thing to have had done and yet I find it hard  to connect it to the fact that I had a biopsy that showed I had an invasive ductal carcinoma. I am not sure that that makes any sense, but I know I felt a similar disconnect 15 years ago. I will endeavour to try to get some clarity around this and when I do I promise to share it.

Anyway in honour of the first week  I am proud to report that this morning I got out of my pyjamas. Amazing what you can achieve in a week - from a white hospital gown to trackie pants and a Bonds Sloppy Joe. 

According to M's spreadsheet I was scheduled for 2 visitors today. (As well as the usual visit from her and a dinner drop from Y)

My gorgeous, no holds barred friend N was on the first visiting shift this morning. I shared that I was getting better at looking at my new chest and finding it a little less confronting. She then asked if she could have a look. (N was also brave enough to ask to feel the lump in my breast 15 years ago). I felt safe to do so, so I lifted my top. I don't know if she realised just how grateful I was for her spontaneous and I believe very honest response of  "Wow that looks fantastic" 

It made me focus on all that is good with the surgical result, and skip over the  things that I am still learning to accept about it.

D arrive not long after that - she has requested that from now on I refer to her as the Whip Cracker. Forget about celebrating that fact that I got dressed, she would  really like to have seen me at the shops, buying the ingredients to cook N(that is son N not friend N. May have to nickname him)  and myself dinner tonight. Very glad it was freezing cold outside and she wanted to stay warm ( and that dinner got delivered). 

 I also had a call from the Breast Care Nurse today, just checking up on how I was doing. I told her that I was doing really well, all things considered. I told her that I wasn't seeing Dr Dave until the 13th of August to get the results back. We agreed that the waiting can be quite hard, although I am not thinking about that too much. I have no control over what the pathology results will be so it is wasted energy worrying about it.  When I see the Dr Dave and get the results then I will engage with whatever I need to.

 It is hard to believe that it is only a week ago since surgery. 

 I have to confess, that I have struggled with this post as I felt that I needed to write something more profound to mark the passing of the first week. But as my big brother wrote back to me today - after I sent him the same photo that is posted here - "life goes on...." and so it does. And I will continue to get used to my new body, continue to look for the things to be grateful for and continue to be me. 

As always 

P xx

* well it was that time when I started writing this.

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