Thursday, 2 August 2012

Stepping out

With dinner having been delivered this afternoon ( thank you to my old basketball team mate) and housework off the to do list I find myself with time on my hands at the hour when I would have normally been rushing home from work and doing the second shift that many of you will be familiar with.

So instead of leaving the writing to late at night I am going to see if the creative juices work just as well in the early evening.

Each day brings with it a step back towards some sort of normality.

 Now for those of you who have had any connection to cancer you may be familiar with the whole "new normal" concept which may or may not get explored within the pages of this blog and is not really what I am talking about here. I am simply referring to doing normal things.

Yesterday I got dressed in my "around the house clothes" but today I really got dressed cos I was going out for breakfast.
As I put on my long sleeve Tshirt,  my cardigan, jeans and boots, I felt like I was trying out my new body in my old look.

And you know what? It actually felt OK.  Of course a little bit of lippie always helps.

M picked me up and we went up the road for breakfast. It was a beautiful, crisp and sunny winter's morning and it felt good to be out. I am grateful that I have had my surgery in winter because you can rug up and feel less vulnerable. In fact I had my last breast surgery in winter as well. Must be something   in the cold air that brings out the tumour in me ( ok so that was very lame but I couldn't resist)

We sat and ate and chatted and even managed to talk about people other than me. It was a great. 
The first of a whole lot of firsts to come.

Well I didn't get this finished before dinner and here I am again at 8:45 sitting in bed (eating chocolates) writing.

And my mood has changed. Feeling a bit bummed. Being sore is draining - I have to think about everything I do and how to position my body so movements don't hurt. Bit over it actually.

I can hear everyone from here going " but it's only been a week, be patient, give yourself time" and yes I get all of that but it doesn't change the fact that I have 2 six inch surgical wounds across my chest that are really interfering with my ability to freely do almost every day to day activity and I can't ignore it.

Well I feel better after that little rant.

I actually had a great day. After breakfast, E turned up as scheduled. I am getting better at saying yes when asked if there is anything that needs to be done. So I got my sheets changed and two loads of washing done. Bliss.

I then had a visit from J who is not only an old friend but also a physiotherapist

For a few weeks before I went for the ultrasound that changed a few of my plans for July and August, I had been nursing a very sore shoulder but hadn't done anything about it. Of course when the ultrasound showed the tumour in my breast, I became convinced that the pain in my shoulder was in fact metastatic disease and that I was really in deep shit. 

That was without doubt the scariest time I have had in this whole second diagnosis trip. 

Well as I wrote in a previous blog, the bone scan that I subsequently had was all clear. So the pain in my shoulder was just poor posture, stress and general neglect of my body.

The shoulder has still been really painful and I needed to get it seen to.  A phone call later and I now have a home visiting physio. Today was her second visit and it has made a difference. Although sitting in bed typing is slowly undoing all the benefit of today's treatment.

And in between all of this N had another exam today - Studies of Religion. How an atheist chose this subject is till a bit of a mystery but I think he enjoys the engagement and discussion ( well maybe more like arguments)
While my diagnosis and surgery has certainly messed things around for him, the upside is that I am at home for his exams. Nice to just be here when he gets home. Things have a way of working out - you just have to be open to seeing them from a different perspective.

The battery on my laptop is about to run out. Think that means it is time for me to turn off as well.

And I guess the creative juices prefer the reflection of the whole day that the late night pondering allows.

So as always

P xx


  1. I can only imagine the soreness (actually I know a similar soreness) and I found it mentally very tiring to be always guarding against the pain.

    I really hope that eases for you soon and am so glad you are accepting help where it has been offered.

  2. The winter brings out the tumor in you was very amusing. Glad to hear you are recovering well. Sending you love.

  3. Laughed out loud - again!!! And of course you need a physiotherapist - if I could just get EVERYONE to realize that.....